itbeatsforyou

Onlylearninghowtotrustmyself,myeyespassawayfromYourgaze.

Youreeriesmileurksme,asIassemblemyselffortheday.

ContinuallyYouwatchme,waiting,watching.

ContinuallyYouloveme,abundantly,graciously.

ThereisnooneaboveYou,yetIstillhavedoubts.

WouldYouwipeawaythisfear?

Thisunsurenessinside?

Ialwaysmakemistakesitseems.

Goodintentionsarejustthat.

Ialwaysfailyou,itseems,atleastthat'swhatItellmyself.

IstherenotonethingIcandotopleaseYou?

Evenmyloveforyousufferswithenvy,greed,andselfishness.

Thecaresoftheworldareburdeningmysoul.

Myheadbecomesheavywithfatigue.

WhoamItryingtoplease?

Whowilllovealloftheseimperfections?

Iamaslavetomyself,itseems,stuckinsidemyhead.

Lord,canyourescueme?

IamlostwithoutYou.

Deadtotheworldandtomyself.

Myfamilyscornsme.

Peoplepersecuteandhateme.

Iamconfusedandhurt.

WhatdoIdo?WheredoIgo?

CanIlivethiswayforever?

NotwithoutYou.

NotwithoutYourloveandyourstrength.

CanIliveforYoueveryday?

WillYouhelpme?Iamtired,Papa.

MyLove,Iamweak.Carryme.

IfallasleepbywhisperingtoYou.

DoYouhearme?CanYoufeelmyheartbeating?

ItbeatsforYou,myLord.ItbeatsforYou.

near the end of this

How do you trust the one that you love, when so many lies have been told?
When barriers broken, can't be renewed and words spoken, can't be undone?
My world has been shaken.
I am devastated and all that I feel is pain.
Why did you lie to me? What gain has it caused you?
I can't sleep.
Food has no taste, and my heart trembles in fear.
The dark is here and the light is no more.
For death I lie in wait.
My soul is dark, my soul is deceived.
Lies! You've told me lies!
Pain! You've caused me pain!
Hunger, I cannot feel.
Love, I cannot see.
Trust, I do not have.
You've burdened my soul with words that you've said, now how do I survive?
I can't do it alone.
I don't want to survive.
This life, it feels like a dream.
Two steps, taken left.
Two steps, taken right.
Teeth grinding, fists clenched.
Goodbye, I say, goodbye.
From the corner of a darkened closet,
Through tear-stained cheeks,
And a body that trembles.
A headache pounding and blood surging through,
I shout from my blood-stained hands,
God, help!
I've committed a murder! I've committed a sin!
And rage still flows inside me.
Teach me to sing, LORD. Teach me to shine.
For all I've been taught is how to die.
To sing like a bird that soars through the trees,
Instead of wallowing in sorrow and fear.
To pray like there is no one else near.
To laugh, to dance, to cry.
Who holds the key that will unlock the mystery of me?
Who wants to love me through all of this strife, through my scars,
And my tears and my shame?
I cannot believe it, there is but one,
And His name is Jesus Christ.
I feel...horrid and all out of place
Though a smile has crossed my face.
I don't want to be here or to cry anymore.
The inside of me hurts so bad.
"I can't sleep," I tell her, "I've got a disease."
"I've got cancer of the soul."

The Artist

The artist, like a picture, can mean a thousand things.

The artist can mean a million things.

Watch the hand as it grips the brush.

Each stroke made with care, or madness.

Thoughts whirling around.

Plans for the piece that now just looks like lines.

Plans that will turn it into art, into beauty.

The artist will probably end up hating it.

They usually do.

The public will applaud.

The room he is working in is filled with imaginary people,

who criticize the work just started.

Four walls close in and the dream is over.

Again the work is started.

Another in pastel.

Yet another in acrylic.

Another in colored pencil.

The supplies never end.

For an artist, the world is thier canvas.

The people, emotions, experiences, and feelings

are their tools with which they work.

What will tomorrow bring?

What new inspiration?

What reality will next fill the spaces on their canvas?

What emotion will be portrayed?

What feeling will be expressed?

ever so quietly

who is this that stares me down?

what is your name?

your eyes are welcoming me,

your stance is pushing me away.

do not move.

do not cry out for help, he says.

is there harm here?

will this be my end?

nourishing my wounds, i step outside myself.

taking away the cloths from my eyes,

i can see clearly now.

move quietly, you will wake him.

walking on glass, you scream in pain.

he awakes and runs towards you.

unable to move, you close your eyes.

only to wake up from a dream.

yet he is still running at you.

pulling out his hair.

yelling nonsense about the past.

walk quietly, i told you.

you didn't listen.

you didn't listen.

miffed

what's on the other side?
a peanut or a rainbow.
who is this that stands nearby?
he makes me anxious.
where do we go from here?
is this all that is left from her?
did she not care when she left?
she just walked out the door.
no words, no sigh, no looking behind.
just steps far, far away from here.
this is the life that has been given.
no choice was made from me.
it is the fault of all the others.
not once should this fall on me.
i cannot be the one to blame.
i was just out of sight.
the fault was mine, I held you too high,
the only way was down.
expectations were so broken,
there was no where to go.
the plan was fouled and soon today,
the paper will slip through his hands.
no worries, no dents, no accidents,
just love and smiles and plastic.
do not turn your head this way.
i will not look to you.
for ignorance is bliss.