Silence between the pages.

I see you standing there.
lips pursed, arms crossed.
You're mad at me.
You won't tell me why.
Screaming and ranting, waving your arms
It's over, I can't do this anymore.
Times have shattered and the line is broken
The phone is dead, communication is down
Drowning in a sea of lies and wandering aimlessly.
We cross paths.
I cling to the wall and shut my eyes.
Hoping to blend in.
Isn't that what you want?
An invisible friend.
One who will lie to you instead of tell you the truth.
One that will give you what you want instead of what you need?
Don't tell me that's not what you said.
Your eyes told me.
your body sent me a message.
Not giving in, I slowly back away.
Your hand comes out to slap me and I run.
Running, running forever on.
My legs are moving so fast,
but I don't seem to go anywhere.
I'm stuck in one spot and no one can help me.
Tearing out in pain, in agony.
Falling to the floor in a mess as water turns to ice.
Slowly, one drop at a time, til the whole floor is a puddle of me.
Slowly, like the pages of a book, turned by one who enjoys it.
In patient anticipation of the next word, there is silence...

i stare into your eyes
Broken and unmoving
you lie awake, struggling
with the workings of your soul
run with me!
lie on the sand of time
hold my hand and love me
love me because i can't
undying, never ceasing
is your love
your aire is tremendous
and i am overwhelmed
i sit in a corner, knees to my chest
breathing ever so lightly
scared to move
waiting for a reply to my plea
workings of an imperfect person
trying, trying to be perfect
it's not succeeding
dying inside, unless able to let go
closing out, unless willing to give up
chains of reality holding dreams to the floor
the soul inside ready to soar and fly
knowing that peace only comes from above
knowing that life is ending and death awaits
physical, emotional, mental, spiritual
all combined in one,
one beautiful woman
God calls her "Mine."

You ask me what I'm thinking and you ask me what's on my mind,
but do you really want to understand what's on my mind, when I lie awake in bed
Staring at the ceiling with nothing on my mind,
yet the universe crowds my thoughts and keeps my eyes awake.
Looking inside myself, like a reflection in the mirror,
standing in awe of your creation, carried away by the whisper of the wind
gentle and light, full of compassion and warmth,
yet chilling to the bone and leaving you ever so cold
full of hate and love and wonder, that He would create such a person
Simple, I am.
Controlled. I am.
Alone, I am.
wandering and wondering and making my own way,
guided by the one True Light, I yearn to call my own.
Whistle for me, way down the block,
I will hear You.
Pull me into Your loving arms as I await Your embrace.
I feel deprived and needing.
I feel so tired and waiting.
I need You, Oh Lord.
I yearn for Your Will.
You say You have a plan for me, that something is to come
And I trust You, Lord, I wait for You, Lord,
and I give You all of me.

The first Step

C.P. Cavafy

The young poet Evmenis
complained one day to Theocritus:
"I've been writing for two years now
and I've composed only one idyll.
It's my single completed work.
I see, sadly, that the ladder
of Poetry is tall, extremely tall;
and from this first step I'm standing on now
I'll never climb any higher."
Theocritus retorted: "Words like that
are improper, blasphemous.
Just to be on the first step
should make you happy and proud.
To have reached this point is no small achievement:
what you've done already is a wonderful thing.
Even this first step
is a long way above the ordinary world.
To stand on this step
you must be in your own right
a member of the city of ideas.
And it's a hard, unusual thing
to be enrolled as a citizen of that city.
Its councils are full of Legislators
no charlatan can fool.
To have reached this point is no small achievement:
what you've done already is a wonderful thing."

And so she waits...

The silence hung around her like a thick, wet drape
heavy and burdening
alone, yet alive, she softly whispers to her Soulmate
Hello's and I love you's are heard by only those who can hear her soul
For it cries out in joy and in pain
For it is deep within and protected yet vulnerable
Caution speaks out for mercy and young eyes are blazing
Awake and aware, sitting, yet growing
Staring into the deep grey of "if's" and "but's" and excuses
Confusion tries to sneak up and chain those who fall into the pit
Calmly she keeps her focus
Gazing ever so lightly and lovely are her eyes
Keeping her hand in the one of her Love
Keeping her smiles only for Him
Knowing that the time will come
The time will come

whimperingdarkness

everyoneisleavingandi'mleftherebehind
swallowingmypride
barrenandhungry
thesoulscreamsoutinhorror
shrillanddeep,lonelybutyellingforsilence
combinedstrengthscannotholdittaut
cannotsubduetoearththatwassolongbeengone
questioningeyesstareupinshame
thestarstellthestory
yourheartgavewayandyourlungscollapsed
goodbye,yousaid,goodbye
tolifeafterdeathandchainsthatholdyoudown
hellosweetdeath,i'mlistening
lyingawake,eyeswideopenandshut
flutteringeyelashesformacoolbreeze
puttingmistonthewindownearby
crumbsfallfromherlips,she'sbeeneatinginbedagain
naughtygirl
shesmilesshylyandputsherarmsoutforahug
thesmileturningintoawide-toothedgrin
helooksatherinwonder,turnsoffthelight,shutsthedoor,andwalksaway
awhimperisheardinthestillnessthatisblackasnight
she'sleftalone,quiveringareherlips
hazeyishermind,andshefallsasleepasthelasttearstainsherface.

convincing stares...

She stared at me, glassy-eyed and serene
gazing past the worn look on her face til her expression smiled gayly
not outwardly but on the inside
her doll-like features glowed like that of an angel and only than was I convinced...

Awareness

It's difficult to convince yourself that living is worth it when nothing seems real.
Like glassy eyes staring past you on the cool of a day.
A drop of sweat forms on your brow and perishes into the depths of the cotton below.
Silence wreaks havoc.
It's been like 20 minutes.
What is she thinking?
Her mind floats lazily about as if it had better things to do.
Her wooden legs, weightless before her.
Well, I guess it's time to get back to work.
She puts her Bible down and walks out the door, vanishing into the darkness that is her life.

Do you ever feel like you're lying,
when you stare at me that way?
When I'm smiling on the outside
and crying deep inside?
Do you ever feel alone,
when there's no one else around?
Or full of delight.
when the room is full of laughter?
I'm here and I'm awake, but sleeping.
My soul has yet to show
the hunger I've been feeding it,
to the one I know I'll know.
Save me, Lord Jesus,
from the depths that is my soul.
Save me, Lord Jesus,
from the lies that I've been told.
Hold me tight and cuddle me close,
I need the warmth of another.
Keep me inside Your loving arms for
I want no one else but You.
I can skate for You, Lord Jesus,
my Savior and my Love,
I can dance for You, Lord Jesus,
til I have no more left to give.
I can sing to You Lord Jesus,
til my lungs can bear no more.
I can cry to You, Lord Jesus,
and unfinished I will be,
Til the day when you have painted
and finished Your masterpiece.
The masterpiece that is my heart,
for still it's missing a few.
But I know that You will find it,
when I'm ready to impart.
I know that You will heal it,
when I'm ready to let go,
of the pain that has been stabbing me
and the loss that I've endured.
What is it, Lord Jesus, this feeling deep inside?
It doesn't fill my surface, but fills my inner self.
This feeling of " ", that only You can describe.
I love You, Lord Jesus.
I'm ready to let go.
I give it all back to You, until You say, "It's time to go."
Take my hand and gently, You will lead me back again.
Down the road I've traveled and left it far behind.
Kindly You speak and slowly I gaze into Your loving eyes.
"Goodbye" I say, "I love You."
I'll be back again real soon.